The letter T

I had a dream last night. I got a call from the gender clinic, and I was informed that they had reviewed my case, and saw no reason to hold back on giving me hormones. I was good to go. I remember the feeling of relief, the weight being lifted off my shoulder, and how I suddenly felt that I did indeed have a future after all.

Then I woke up.

 

It’s still about a year until I will know if I’ll get the proper diagnose that will allow me to get hormones. In the meanwhile I continue living in a vacuum. I have been at the gender clinic a few times now, and it feels like a massive waste of time. I have been asked the same questions and given the same speeches from three different people, and I fail to see how progress can be made this way. I’m given “advise” that seem to be rather generic, and not really applicable to my situation. The process certainly has not been helping my situation in any way, so far it just seems to be a matter of jumping through hoops, hoping to one day get a positive outcome. A waste of time and resources.

 

My status so far is this: I have an all-male wardrobe (apart from sports tops and socks..), not that it matters much since women are allowed to dress however they like. There is some sweet irony in this. If a person who is male assigned at birth put on stuff from the women’s section, it can be considered an expression of gender identity (in the sense that the powers that be will nod and be happy with the effort). If a person who is female assigned at birth put on stuff from the men’s section.. Would anyone even notice unless they went totally conservative in style? I prefer hoodies, tees and jeans. Just like a lot of the women out there. In other words, clothing is not all that helpul for me, in terms of expressing my gender identity. Darn you women for being allowed to wear pants! *shakes fist*  But I got sidetracked. My status so far..

All-male wardrobe. I cut my hair short. My immediate family, and some of my extended family is informed. What’s missing (if disregarding the medical stuff that I unfortunately have no control over) is informing work, and getting the name changed.

Coming out at work is a bit of a problem. I’m a temporary employee, have been for several years (filling in for various people over the years). My current contract expires by the end of the year, and I don’t know if I’ll get it prolonged and for how long. This makes calling a meeting to introduce a challenge for them somewhat awkward. It would also be practical to do this in the spring due to the nature of my work – but if I then no longer have a job there a month later, what’s the point? I kinda imagine that if I had been a permanent part of staff, I could have informed them early in the spring to give them time to prepare for an “official” change this summer – which is when I’m planning to get my name changed.

 

Ok, I got majorly sidetracked again by other stuff, so i’m just gonna post this little rant and try to make better sense next time.

Family informed

Been lazy with the blog lately. So here’s an update.

A few weeks ago I made some phone calls to my dad, and my two brothers. They all took it well then and there, were very accepting, and I have inside information (thanks mom!) that my brothers started cracking jokes about it the very same day. With them, that is a good sign.

So all is well, right? I suppose so, but I’m not taking that for granted. It’s easy to be supportive when the person they are supporting is living somewhere else, and any changes are still “in the future”. No matter how they feel about it now, I am expecting them to feel more troubled when I start moving forward,  and they have to explain why “auntie” has a new name to their kids, have to deal with people asking how things are with their “sister” and so on. I would not find it surprising if they in time feel that I am putting them in an awkward situation, and resent me for it.  Hopefully it will work out just fine, but I think it’s good to be prepared for it.

Family aside, I’m cursing the gender clinic up and down for practically taking away the control over my own life. I had visualized a transition timeline that they have pretty much stomped on. It feels like they first strip you of your personality and control over your life… and then they want you to develop a personality in their image, taking “control” of your life in the manner they feel is appropriate. I swear, if I had the money, I’d flee the country and become a “gender refugee” for a while.

Hair

No, not the musical.

Went and got myself a haircut. Short in the neck, cut around the ears, shorter on top – but not too short as my hair is thinning badly already. Result? The feminine features of my face stand out more. Oh glory. I figure that the extra fat in the cheeks ain’t helping, losing a bit of weight might be good. At least I have more motivation?

The last haircut I got before this one was much better, and I think I’ll let my hair grow back to that lenght. (It kinda looked like this - if I straightened it that is.) The chick at the gender clinic who felt I needed a more masculine style can bite me. My hair is already thinning, and judging by family genetics I can kiss it all buh-bye once I start T, so I am bloody well gonna wear it the way I like it until then.

Oh and what the heck. Here’s a tune.

Pause

There is so much I could say about my first meeting with the gender clinic, but I’m saving my words. I wrote it all down in a notebook immediately after the appointment. There was a fair amount of hostility on that sheet of paper when I was done. I intend to let it stay there until I have had my second, maybe also third appointment. I will be meeting different people, and getting different impressions. Trying very hard to remain optimistic.

Not at all terrified

Soon my first visit at the clinic will be out of the way. And the title lies.

In my mind I keep imagining what will be said, and since I am pessimistic by nature I also imagine myself flipping a bird and storming out half way through.

No, not gonna do that no matter what. I hope.

I wish I was a girl

It would make everything so damned easier.

I’m so tired.

I want to

Today was a good day. Walking around town, feeling ok. Sitting on the bus home I wondered.. Why wait? Why not just change my name now, and start living life as a man? Sure, I will be the town freak but.. What do I care anyways? There is no hiding my chest. I have a binder that I use a little bit around the house, but it doesn’t give me a flat enough chest to be worth the lack of breath and circulation. My voice is so high pitch, there is no way I can talk and people would think they were talking to a male. But still.. I’m Andreas. I’m so sick of hiding.

Still waiting.

Stable?

So here I am crawling back to this blog.. for what? To point out that I’m getting depressed? That I feel I’m at my wits end? Part of me is wondering if I should even bother keeping the blog up since it feels like there will be no progress. Maybe I’m just too impatient.

Today is one of those days where I’m glad I don’t actually have any friends (apart from a very close one I have yet to meet in person).  If I had friends, I would most certainly be losing them during this process. And I could only blame myself for it too. I get frustrated, and I am only able to think about the source of my frustration. I whine. It feels every word coming out of my fingers (since I don’t have anyone to actually talk to) is endless whining about my situation. It’s not productive, but I don’t know, maybe at the same time I need to vent somehow. I keep most of my thoughts on the inside, so most of my whining tends to just be scratching the surface anyways. Also, I’m very aware that there are lots of people who are in deeper shit than me, so then I feel bad for complaining. Such a sad sod I am.

So what is my progress so far? Well, I finally have an appointment with the gender clinic. This fall. Almost a year after I decided I couldn’t live like this anymore, and talked to my GP. I have also talked with someone from the clinic. I have been told that since I have lived this many years in the body I have, I will have to expect the process to take longer time.* The reason for this is apparantly that they want to make sure “people are stable”**.

I was stable. I used to consider myself mentally strong. I now feel concerned about my own mental health, and I know what the cause is. The cure is out of reach.

*My brains translation: “You waited this long? Well daymn, then we’re gonna punish you by making you wait much longer!”

**My brains translation: “Well if we push you far enough you’ll finally lose your mind and then we can just dismiss your case and be done with ya. Next!”

Pointless update

It’s been a while, and I guess an update is in order. No, I didn’t forget about this blog (as I foresaw i would when I started it), I just didn’t feel like writing.

January – I contacted my doc for a referal to a local shrink.

April – I got my appointment early in the month, did some tests and got the “go ahead” for taking business to the gender clinic. They write a report that doesn’t get sent to my doc until early May, she then passes it on to the gender clinic.

Last week – I call the gender clinic, they still haven’t gotten the report. They will not be discussing my case and (hopefully) setting an appointment until they have seen it. They only have those meetings once a week.

I am so fucking frustrated at this point. I have no idea how soon I can expect an appointment to be made once they look at my case. It might be a couple of months for all I know. And then it will take a long time before they decide on whether I should get the “right” diagnose that will allow me to get on T. (If I get the wrong diagnose i may still be able to start T I think.. But I have been unable to find any accurate info on this)

When I had my psych evaluation done, I claimed I was not feeling depressed other than the amount of being down one might expect from a dude with boobs. I now feel I could no longer truthfully say that, as I feel increasingly more depressed for every day of not knowing. I am pissed, I am depressed, I feel agressive, and I feel like calling quits to pretty much everything. The “system” is tearing my mental health apart. I need to be able to come out to more people, as I can no longer continue this game of make-believe, but for my own sanity I can’t do that until I am also able to tell them what lies ahead as far as treatment and actual changes.

I realise I repeat myself a lot when it comes to my concerns about the gender clinic and the stuff that lies ahead. I guess it is hard not to, when that is pretty much all that spins around in my head. This obsession is a result of lacking information, I think.

These days I am distracted, stressed and lightly depressed mixed with feelings of hope and excitement.

In a week I have my appointment with the local therapist. It is a necessity before I can get my appointment with the gender Clinic. From what I have read, the therapist’s role in this is to make an evaluation of my mental health. I have no idea how many sessions that will take. I don’t know long it will be between each session. And when “their work is done” I have no idea how long it will take before I can get my appointment at the Gender Clinic.  Heck, I’m not sure my information on their part in the process is correct. And when I DO get to the clinic, I have no idea how long it will be before I hopefully have the right diagnosis to start treatment (according to the little info I have found, apparantly no less than a year).

Not having any time frame at all has been very stressful for me. I am currently in limbo. Having to wait in order to then having to wait again for then yet again having to wait.. AARGH!